I said my final (for now final, not forever final) goodbyes this week. I cried a lot… in secret. I don’t know why. I think when I am with people it somehow feels like if I open those floodgates, the gushing tears might not ever stop. So instead I just coldly say an awkward goodbye and try to end it quick. No long hugs, no rambling diatribes, no complete breakdowns. Just a choked, “Ok, well, I’ll see ya in January.” … and then I go around the corner and sob like a baby. If I’m really going to travel the world, I am going to have to learn how to process my goodbyes a little better.
But all these goodbyes made me start thinking: if we follow Jesus, we will say a lot of goodbyes. We will say goodbye to sin and death. We will say goodbye to guilt and shame. We will say goodbye to fear and torment. And goodbyes aren’t always to bad things. Jesus said goodbye to His heavenly Father and came to earth to fulfill the plan for redemption of man. While hanging on the cross, He said goodbye to His mother as He went on to defeat the grave. After the resurrection, He said goodbye to His disciples to go and prepare a place for us. Those are all really painful but well worth it goodbyes. It seems we have to be willing to go through the pain of goodbye, letting go of the familiar and comfortable, in order to step forward into new destinies. I believe that in order to reach our true selves as God created us to be, we have to be able to say goodbye to things that are holding us back: old habits, negative emotions, bad memories, etc. We have to say goodbye to things we have believed to be true about ourselves or things that others have said that are true, but are in fact, in direct opposition to what God has said. Its interesting how along our road, we can begin to see ourselves in ways that, although they may be our reality and what we think is true, are in fact far from truth. For the longest time, I thought I was hopelessly bound to a life of opinions and judgements (both towards myself and others) that would often times leave me rejected by others due to my big mouth. But then God began to lead me through a process of saying goodbye (and still is leading me through it) to the driving fears that were underneath it all. Here is an example of the conversations that go on in my mind (and don’t act like you don’t have conversations with yourself and that I’m crazy):
- What if I’m wrong? Well, the world won’t end and I can just say “I was wrong.”
- What if I’m right and then people won’t know that I’m right if I didn’t state my position beforehand? Well, is it more important to be right before people or to be right before God?
- I want people to think well of me and that I’m smart and I know what I’m doing, so I need to say what I know, loud and often. Well, really? That is just sad. How about I just be content with in myself that I am smart, I don’t know what I’m doing, and whatever people will think, they will think?
So I had to say goodbye to all these little fears inside: fear of rejection, fear of not being accepted, fear of this and fear of that.
God desires we say goodbye to old patterns and reactions that only drive a wound of the past deeper into our soul. God desires that we say goodbye to fears that haunt us and keep us from reaching our real, full potential. God desires that we say GOODBYE to anything in our hearts, minds, and traditions that would keep us from knowing Him. Over the last several months I have said some really painful, but well worth it, goodbyes: my job, my house, (most of) my stuff, my dogs, my family, my friends, my church, my country, my language, my culture. But it will be well worth it… It will be well worth it to see a generation, left on the trash heap, rise from the ashes and begin to change their culture. It will be well worth it to see revival in the hearts of entire nations as they turn from greed and wickedness. It will be well worth it to see young girls locked in a life of degradation and dehumanization set free and lifted to a place of dignity and value. And it is all because He is worth it. He is worth all the goodbyes. He is worth all the pain. He is worth all the risk. His name is Jesus and He never fails to take my goodbyes and turn them into the most glorious hello's.